Are You There God? It's Me, Mario

No change...no change at all.

Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing here. I haven’t written here in a while, and in addition to me using this as a means to exercise my craft, I genuinely use it as an opportunity to, you know, get closer to you (I hope that’s not weird). I’ve been told quite a few times that I sound the most me in my substack. As if I’m just talking to a really close friend. And I love that because to keep it completely honest, that is when I’m most me. I’m vulnerable. Honest. Insecure. Funny. Anxiety ridden. Compassionate. And sometimes a tad selfish, but that’s something I’m really working on.

As of late, I’ve had quite a few wonderfully delicious New York moments where I’ve made new friends in fun places. And during these brief encounters of serendipity, I somewhat immediately let my guard down and was just present, totally open and vulnerable. If my college acting professors read this they would have giant orgasms and then immediately scream “what took you so long!” And I’d hysterically burst out into tears, throw a chair at the wall, storm out of the room and slam the door behind me. And as I walk out, my acting teachers would pout their lips and nod in affirmation before quietly whispering “good.” Then, I’m immediately beamed up to theater heaven, where life and healing truly begins.

Wait! What am I talking about? OK, this is also what I love about this place. There are quite a few of you here who know me quite well. People who read that bit above and softly chuckled (hopefully!) because they know intimately understand that part of my life. Perhaps they were even there. But there’s also a very respectable amount of people here who I don’t know well, or at all. And that’s really cool!

So yeah anyway, I just wanted to say hi! Because I consider you all friends and we haven’t talked in a while. This is me “checking in.” How are YOU? For real though. Me? I’m actually doing pretty good…I think…potentially (that will make sense soon). Been out here living my life. Loving, laughing. All the things that get written on kitchen wall art sold at Target. That wasn’t shade, if you’re into that sort of thing. But maybe just take a moment to ask yourself, who hurt me? When you heal, I heal.

Oh, did you read about the new animated Super Mario Bros. movie? That cast list is wild. I mean Anya Taylor-Joy as Princess Peach? She really is the moment I guess. And have you been reading about the government? Joe Biden’s government. Joe Biden’s government that was so unaware of how Haitian refugees were being treated at the border even though border patrol is managed at the federal level (insert upside down smile emoji). And there’s this reconciliation bill that would include things like universal pre-K, free community college, and efforts to combat climate change. Anyway, that’s not going to happen because Republicans are doing what they do and moderate democrats like Joe Biden do what they do. So whatever. I don’t blame you if you haven’t been keeping up with all of this, because I get it. Sometimes it all seems so meaningless. Nothing’s going to change. So what’s the point of caring. Right? I’m not being pessimistic am I? Things are truly never going to change right? Please tell me I’m wrong. I love hope. Hope is dope. Hope is the homie. (a quote from a magnificent survivor player. that show is back by the way! watch it, let’s talk survivor).

Whew. I wrote the above yesterday, and now it’s today. Yikes. Anyway, so in addition to feeling generally good, I’ve been feeling a bit fragile lately. That tends to happen when I’m feeling very anxious about something. And that fragility often creates a very happy, warm, and comfy breeding ground for depression and self-doubt. But I’m trying not to let that happen. Trying to just feel the things and let them go, but they never really go, do they? In fact they sort of do the opposite and become a…tenant of yours. They move in quietly, pay on time, and never bring the party home. So like any good landlord, you forget they’re there. Until their thereness becomes noticeable, even problematic, for one reason or another. And then you ask yourself, so what am I going to do about this little problem?

But hey, maybe problems only lie within the heart of the beholder. So yeah, anyway. Later.

I can’t believe I haven’t used this one yet. Maybe because you all know it. Right? You know this one, you must. It’s sort of THE episode. The one where this woman, patient 307 has her face bandaged up for most of the episode as she’s just come out of a surgery to cure her ugliness. When they finally take off her bandages, surprise surprise she’s actually this gorgeous blonde woman and it turns out everyone else if ugly. But not in this world. I like this one but also always felt like it was making the exact point it was trying to go against. In a binary world of beauty and ugly, there is always going to be a minority made to feel less than because of the beauty norms. So of course “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” the titular line of this episode, but also, that’s stupid. This woman was so convinced she was hideous that she went under the knife multiple times. Kinda like today. And when she gets whisked off to a special community for “ugly” but actually hot people who were cast out of this strange world, that’s what they tell her. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” That’s what you tell a child who gets called ugly by a bully at school, which in a way is just affirming the bullies. What we really should be telling a child is beauty is a social construct and if anyone calls you ugly, tell them to fuck off!